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I wrote these in the hours before my Mother’s death, and the days afterwards. There’s a three-hankie warning on these.

 

Mama
on her way out
is she just holding on
till our hearts can let go?

I hate death
I want her to be here forever
I want to talk to her everyday
and tell her about my silly dogs
and have her laugh
at the antics of my life.

I want to hear her voice
on my birthday
telling me about the hot day
in July
I was born.

I want to tell her
over and over
how much she is loved
so she can love herself.

I want life to be different for her
no pain
no worries
no hardship
no suffering

just love
sweet love.

 

 

And the world goes on outside
as another soul prepares to leave
and another comes in
the sun continues to rise
and set
the grass continues to grow
and the earth continues to turn

We come, we go
how come it’s so hard to let go?
Hearts cannot bear to say goodbye

If she would just wake up
one more time
I could look in her eyes
and smile
I could hold her, squeeze her hand
and then, she could go
knowing she was loved
taking that with her
wherever she goes

Life is odd
Death, even odder
Hearts are a strange beast
I try to accept
what is

 

 

I never realized how precious
the last moments of her life would be
I long for her eyes
looking at me.

The connections, though fleeting
have meant the world to me
like precious gems
indelibly printed
on my memory.

So many times
I have been scared of her leaving
it’s imminent now
so they tell me
I like to think
I am big enough,
powerful enough
for love to be enough
to pave the way
to another day
with you.

It just seems weird
when you are so near me
not to be here.

I will sing for you
cry for you
pray for you
beat the drum for you
and love you
on your way.

 

 

Every single day
you are in my Heart
and every single day
you are in my thoughts
and every single day
I will remember you
and you will be
a part of me.

Never casual
or taken for granted
a precious stone
the gleam in my eye
forever remembered
forever loved
forever in
my Heart of Hearts

A love song for you
precious Mama

 

 

I thought I would be ready
to let her go
I thought I had cried
enough times
to be ok
I thought I was
big and brave

But my two year old
still clings to her leg
crying ‘Mama, don’t go’.

It’s ok
I hold my two year old now
I let her cry
I let her grieve
and my big me
holds her from behind
as she cries out her tears

Her grip is beginning to loosen
I hold her in my arms
whisper in her ear
You are with me now
I have you
right here in my heart
you are forever safe
inside of me.

 

Mama
you are gone
have moved along
I hope to a place
that loves you strong

I hope you felt
our loving arms
I hope you visit me
frequently
I hope I see you
in my dreams
I hope I feel your presence
next to me

I kiss you gently
and hold you tenderly
my sweet Mama

 

 

My Mother is gone
I am a river of tears
returning to the sea

How do I go on without her?
She is such a big part of me
My greatest cheerleader
who will call me on my birthday?
Death is such a cruel master.

I must cry these tears
till they’re gone
may they cleanse my soul
may they renew me
may the phoenix rise
from the destruction
of her ashes
may she return to me
may I feel her inside
may she be happy
and at peace.

I pray for this
I pray for peace of mind.

 

 

I can hardly stand
this packing up
Every ‘thing’ has a memory
attached t it
A feeling
Sure, they are just ‘things’
but they are all
emotional memory holders

My heart breaks
over and over
I want her here with me
alive, breathing, talking
her familiar memory
her familiar presence
I can’t stand it
I can’t stand being
without her.

 

 

It is done
the umbilical cord
has been cut.

Her name was June
and she died
in the month of June
with flowers blooming
the sun shining
and color everywhere.

I will miss her forever
Mother, Mum, Mama.

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