Yesterday I woke up feeling pretty awful; kind of nauseous, and achy all over. I had pain in the right side of my body, and was also VERY TIRED. Doing anything felt like a great struggle, like I was dragging my body around and I felt very old.
So I decided to do only what I HAD to do, and allowed myself to take as much time as I needed to pamper and nurture myself. For me, that means a lot of lying around on the floor, and going into the pain in my body.
Usually I worry about feeling lousy. I worry about a lot of possibilities around WHY I feel so lousy. But yesterday I decided to not worry, and just allow myself to go into the pain in my body and the accompanying feelings.
I became aware how often we pop a pill or go on a diet or go to the doctor to try to ‘figure out’ why we feel so crummy. Or, we dismiss it as the aches and pains of growing older. What happens to me quite regularly is that I feel energy gets stuck in my body, and when it does, my back and my entire muscular system gets backed up. That is why I spend so much time on the floor, feeling into the pain in my body and doing my Alexander Technique in order to allow the energy to move through my body.
I have a chronic muscular pattern of tension particularly on the right side of my body. When I lay down and allow my body to relax, and breath into the tight and painful areas, and sometimes make sounds on the exhale (if I feel like it), the tension often dissipates.
I am always analyzing what may have caused me to feel so crummy, because that’s the kind of brain I have, but yesterday I really saw this ‘fix it’ pattern I have, and also, how I judge myself as not being ‘productive’. Yesterday I said ‘f_uck it! I am just going to allow myself to be in my body pain for as long as I need to and see what happens.
I ended up having a great night’s sleep, woke up feeling pretty good, and was quite active this morning with things I had to do including a sink full of dishes, 2 dog walks and 1 1/2 hours of housework. And I am still feeling good (cause I’m writing this). That sure beats the aches and pains of yesterday, so I’m feeling I just might be on the right track.
One of the things I notice about people who have chronic pain is that they are caretakers. They are so busy taking care of family and friends needs that they tend to put themselves last. ‘I don’t have time for myself’ is something I see and hear often.
And truly, when they look at their lives, they don’t. This is where judgement release can be helpful, to help open the mental space to create something new for yourself. Here is an example of judgement release:
I now release the judgement and forgive myself for believing for so long that I don’t have time to take care of myself properly.
I don’t have time to relax.
nothing will get done if I don’t do it.
too many people depend on me.
it is not loving to put myself first.
This is what I think: First and foremost, you need to put yourself and your needs first. What kind of caretaker can you be if you cannot give to yourself? I know that many religions teach selflessness, but that is not loving to self. In order to take care of yourself, and your chronic pain, you need to see how you are creating it. And, you are creating it. Taking responsibility for what you are creating is the first step in making changes.
So go ahead, lie on the floor, and let yourself relax. You deserve it.