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sunsetHealing my own victimization pattern has probably been the most profound thing I have done in my 30 years of emotional healing work. This one was a long walk, and I went through the school of hard knocks to get it.

In my 30’s I manifested a relationship where I got to see and experience this pattern up close and personal. By the end of my six year relationship, I understood why women pick abusive partners. We are always trying to heal the trauma that is locked up in our energetic signature, or our subconscious imprinting. The way we do this is to magnetize to ourselves the exact experience that will trigger this trauma. This IS rocket science. Problem is, especially those that are the on the victim side of this pattern, it is so very hard to see how we are magnetizing this experience to ourselves.

For me, I grew up in an atmosphere of survival of the fittest. I had four older brothers, I was the youngest and only girl, and I had to fight like a boy in order to survive (I am a girl last time I checked). I had to be tough and strong, and my parents were, uh, let’s say, surviving in their own way too. The strap was used a lot, and rage and intimidation were used to control us. Love imprinted in me as physical and emotional abuse. I could not get it together to have a relationship that lasted any length of time until my thirties, and that one was … you guessed it: abusive. It felt like home. Or, felt like my original imprint of what I thought love was.

Six years later I got out of it. 8 years after that I finally figured out what my partner was reflecting to me: my denied rage. Yes, my denied rage was acting back on me from ‘out there’. How I found this was one day I was moving some rage in my living room (responsibly), and there it was, clear as day. How I sounded and how I acted and how the rage was expressing fit like two images coming together of how my ex-partner used to rage. I was him. It hit me in the head like a ton of bricks. He was me! I was still feeling victimized 8 years after that relationship ended, but it all made sense to me after that. Not that I would go rushing back to that person in any kind of ‘I forgive you for what you did to me’ epiphany, but I got to see as clear as day what I had been denying.

Rage acting out is never attractive, or nice. And rage in women is especially judged in our society. We are so taught that rage in women is ugly, not wanted, needs to be denied, we need to be small women with small feet and with a small connection to the earth. And if you are a woman with a backbone, often that is just beaten out of you as a child. Stand up to your parents? You KNOW who’s gonna win that one! If your parents were knocked around by their parents, they will probably do it to you. It’s only now become illegal to beat your kids. In my day your kids had it coming, and they deserved it.

Not that child-rearing is ever easy, but some things are frowned upon now, and one of those things is beating your kids. Especially in public.

It took me a long time to find this rage. It took me processing rage for YEARS to find this. All emotions that come up in you are part of you energetically. Denying these emotions because you judge them not to be loving does not get rid of them. They are still connected to you energetically, and the longer you deny them, the more desperate these feelings get. Some of these feelings fragment out into other people, and this is where they can act out back on us. I know this might seem like a long stretch, but I have found this to be true through my experience.

Here’s an exercise you can do that may help you. Think about someone in your life that you have felt victimized by. Think about and feel the things about them that you hate (or dislike strongly if you don’t like that word). Now see if you can find the seed of what you dislike strongly in the other person in yourself. It only has to be weensie. This is your connection to what you are seeing and judging.

If I am triggered by another, I try to identify what I don’t like about that person. Then I try to find that element in myself, and the judgements that I have around that element. Releasing judgements on that person can help, and then releasing judgements on that same quality within yourself. With that you loosen up the mental judgment pattern, and when you are ready and feel the time is right, you can move into what this triggers in your emotionally.

Yes, it’s lots of work. But freeing ourselves from this pattern is …. creating your own Shangrala.  The ability to see and walk away from abusive people or abusive partnerships is such a blessing.  And such a strength.

Best and love to all of you reading this. And good luck with it. It ain’t easy.