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parents and adolescentsParents, I understand how fearful it can be when your children reach the stage where their sexuality is beginning to bloom. Will the one they are attracted to treat them well? You feel protective, not wanting them to be harmed emotionally or physically.

There is a fine line though where protection can take the form of intimidation, or even a projection of your own fears upon them. This is a critical stage of your child’s growth, and it’s easy to make mistakes, especially if your own growth at this stage of your life had been compromised.

As a parent of small children, it was appropriate for you to be more controlling of their physical reality. But as your child grows, you need to grow too, and it is no longer appropriate for you to act in the same kinds of controlling ways. This only makes it more difficult for your own child to bloom socially, emotionally and physically into this stage.

How you conduct yourself through this stage can have far reaching consequences on your child’s ability to navigate these waters. What really needs to move here is the parents fears around what could happen. It is your own denied terrors that you are holding and projecting and acting out on your child that needs not just looking at, but need emotional movement around.

You may feel rage that wants to control them or intimidate the person they draw into their lives as a love interest. What you really need to feel into is how fearful you feel under this bravado of intimidation that you are putting out.

I remember in my teen years feeling deathly afraid of bringing anyone home. My entire family was very intimidating in this regard. One particular event stands out where everyone is sitting in the living room making derisive comments about the new date coming to the door. I died a thousand deaths in that time. When the fellow entered the front door, you could feel the unloving vibes in the air. I seldom brought anyone home because of this unfriendly judgmental atmosphere, and I have kept my relationships very separate over the years from my family because of this.

As I said, these behaviors on your children have far reaching effects. Parents wonder why their children don’t visit them or want to be close to them. There are good reasons!

Maybe you are not able to reach the fear or the terror that lies beneath the controlling behavior, the anger, or even the rage. You could have a whole cocktail of emotions here that need to move. Try starting with what emotion is sitting on top.  What are the sounds that want to come up when you feel into this? Is it rage or anger? Start with screaming into a pillow, or if you have an urge to hit, try a punching bag or hitting the bed. The car is also a good place to move rage. Just make sure you are in a safe place and not likely to have an accident if the feelings overwhelm you.

Are you feeling grief? Put some music on, close the windows, get into bed with a towel and let the emotions move. This is also a good place to move terror. Let your whole body shake move and tremble, move and allow any small squeeking sounds that want to come out.

You might be surprised how magically some stuck places between you and your children can move when you take responsibility for the unmoved emotions that you are holding.  There is always an energetic connection between you and your children, and they feel it and respond to it on subconscious levels.  This is no easy area to move in, but it can be done.  Try something different and see if it works for you.  Know that the only person you can really control in your life is yourself.

JME

 

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