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10154364_1415047525430094_7602291797928810376_nNo offense to parents. Really. It’s the hardest job in the universe, and this time around, I somehow managed to acquire a ‘Get-Out-Of-Jail Free’ card. I am thankful for this because this time around, my life has been about me. Me me me. I got to put myself first this time. You rarely get to do this as a parent. I am sure I’ve been a mother in past lives. I even think at sometime in the past, the heartbreak of raising (and losing?) children may have prevented me from having kids in several lifetimes. Of course, I have no proof of this; it’s just a feeling backed by a bit of information that has made itself available to me. My grandmother had 10 children. The first 5 died of tuberculosis or some other terrible illness of the past. Can you imagine having 5 children die and still having 5 more? I can’t. But I digress. I suppose I might have had kids had my life unfolded in a way that supported the concept of it, but it didn’t. I wanted to have a healthy, stable relationship before even considering it. I watched my parents struggle to raise 5 children with money problems and their own disfunctional issues, and it didn’t look like a picnic to me. I guess that is what set me on my path of wanting to heal myself emotionally before bringing children into this world without repeating the mistakes that helped to create my own personal mayhem, of which I have had a full plate of. It’s been quite a slog over the years unwinding my own personal mixed up ball of twine. I’ve got no bragging rights here. It’s been hell, and it ain’t over, but it makes a whole bunch more sense to me than it did 30 years ago when I started on this personal path. I am sure I would have never been able to plumb the depths that I have if I had had children that I undoubtably would have had to put first. So I have been selfish, and I am happy to have not have passed onto the younger generation my disfunctions to the level I could have if I had been a mother. I do though have children in my life. I like children, quite a bit actually. I stepmothered for 6 years 4 badly damaged children. I have 6 nieces. I do child and teen care and I take care of animals. I have grown tremendously through these experiences, especially in my Heart. Ahh, my Heart. The story of my Heart, and how I even became aware of it’s existence. To be able to differentiate and understand the workings of my Heart has been a huge undertaking within itself. This I would say: that I was raised in a setting where Heart had very little presence, that survival was the main issue, and that guilt was in the place of anything like True Heart here (thank you Catholic Church for filling that void so inadequately). It took me a lot of years to get to this, to understand this. Hmm, this blog is taking a right curve. Lets see where it ends up. Back to being a ‘Parent’. Yikes!  Unfortunately, what I see around me is that survival needs play such a huge role in raising kids that disfunctions from parents to children are passed along, with parents having very little awareness of what they are passing on. This time around, I get to be ‘The Observer’. Again, I am not bragging here. Leave me with kids for over 5 hours and a poor nights sleep and I’ll be acting out all my personal disfunctions FOR SURE.  For 3 hours, kids get the best of me. After that, the quality of my caretaking starts to take a downhill slide. I want a rest. I need a rest. But I don’t get a rest. The rest is history. One of the biggest things I see in families is the shutting down of children emotionally. Every place that a parent was shut down emotionally as a child and that personal shut down has yet to be resolved, I see passed along to children. When a parent is tired after a days’ work and comes home to a whiny kid, it’s shut down time. That kid better stuff it’s own unhappy emotions, or they better have a parent that knows how to move her own emotional stuff responsibly. But I see this very rarely. Well, almost never. Almost never because to be present with one’s own personal triggers means time and dedication to that very process, and pretty well every parent I have encountered has to earn a living, stuff their own emotions to do that, and when they come home the last thing they want to do or even be able to do is give space to their children’s emotional stuff. Let me tell you this too: kids act out their parents unprocessed shit. If the mom and dad are not dealing with their own personal issues with themselves and each other, the kids will be acting them out. Simple as that. If your kids are acting out, parents, you can look to your own unprocessed stuff. Of course, I would never say that directly to anyone I caretake for BECAUSE …. I need my job. My own survival issues are tied up in my muteness. As well, what I find is that giving someone the reflection of their own denials (on a silver platter), is generally not well received, especially if they haven’t uncovered these denials themselves. So mostly, I don’t say too much. Or if I do, I usually have to couch it so not to trigger the person I’m telling and piss them off. And let me tell you this too; I have oodles and oodles of sympathy and compassion for parents, and for kids. Ouch ouch OUCH. This is tough tough stuff. In order to clear one’s own personal denials, we have to allow ourselves to be triggered into the very feelings we are in denial of. This can be VERY MESSY. And loud. Best just to stuff and shut the kids down, put them in front of the TV, or IPAD, stuff their faces, send them off to their room, make them wrong, let them know they don’t have a say in the matter, or that there are any other choices … you get the picture. And with a world around us that ENCOURAGES us to deny our true response to our various unhappiness’s, there aren’t many places to go to get understanding or compassion or help. There just isn’t. If you’re at school, you better fit in, act cool, not cry in public, hide your pain or embarrassment, stuff that emotion and knuckle down. There are few healthy examples to turn to seek true help or understanding. So yeah, oodles and oodles of sympathy and compassion for a populace and environment that does not support or understand how to heal or deal with the myriad of owies that bombard our younger self and set us up to repeat disfunctional patterns that our parents were never able to work through in any healing way. And that is enough for today